Chemo Week 3 - And where off!!

So we are sitting here at the cancer center.  Jennifer is reading her Bible and am I writing this post.  Today is the longest day because we meet with the Oncologist before I start treatment.  Today we asked a lot about the treatments and my lack of desire to go through any more of them.  I asked about my alpha fetal proteins and what a normal reading today would mean for future treatments.  He said that a normal reading today would not alter my regimen.  They usually treat for two cycles after a normal reading.  This is because there is no other indicator other than the AFPs to show as a marker.  Unfortunately, there can be what is called micro metastatic disease that needs to be knocked out before they put me in the "clear".  They don't have a way to track the micro disease.  So, I am going through all four treatments.  God has not given me the heaven parting declaration that I should halt treatment.  That being said, please pray that I would not get too weary with the process.  There is such a spiritual element to this that I was not prepared for.  Pray that I would still be God's instrument of peace and order to my family.  My wife has been such a trooper, but I hope the girls will bear this one better than the last.  We have a very busy family with a lot going on.  Sometimes I feel we need just to do nothing but enjoy being together.  Maybe trying to maintain the "normal" in our lives is not as such a good thing as we think.  The Lords wisdom is vital here.  I don't want to go back to some of the normal that we have had before.

 I have had several people tell me that I have been an inspiration to them.  While this is meant as an encouragement,  all I can do with that is thank God that he is using this situation to bring people closer to Him.  I am learning, however slowly, to " lean into " the pain that will make me more dependent on Jesus.  I am reading a book, given by a dear friend, titled "Fear Not Tomorrow, God is Already There" by Ruth Graham.  I have only read the first four chapters, but I am amazed a how I can identify with the raw emotional questions that come with not understanding how "God can let this happen".  I am having to imperically learn that trusting God should come with no emotional expectations attached.  He will be there because He promises to be, not because we can feel him there.  I am learning how feeble I am, and how easy it can be to trust those feeble feelings.  I am thankful for Ruth sharing her experiences of life and letting me into that experience.  It is helping to look at myself and realize that I need to "turn my eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace".  We love you guys.  God bless you all.  Thank you for praying!